So my latest is that I'm in the market for a new (to me) car. This brings up so much, the expense, high gas prices, the need for freedom, independence, versatility, maintaining my lifestyle. I want a great car at a great price, and worry about getting ripped. Ugh dealerships! Ugh salespersons! The whole thing makes me cringe and wanna run & avoid it. Freaking mundane world. So I am going to change my thinking. I am going to explore this car shopping without fear, and simply walkaway when I am not longer interested.

This past week was kinda rough, a disturbed man came into our hospital saying he had a bomb. Hospital was locked down for many hours, while we tensely wondered what was happening. He was shot and killed while rushing police. Safely caring for my patients was primo, and i work with an amazing crew and would not have wanted to be with anyone else during a bomb scare. The glass in the lobby repaired, cleaned up the area. All signs gone, but that hallway is so creepy. I get the crawlies & ripples when passing through. Will have to do some pyschopomp when i get the all-clear from the spirits. Couldn't sleep when i got home that night, heated up some dinner and drank some wine. A man lost his life in an institution dedicated to saving lives... I'm still processing on that.

My latest venture into creativity is with my sister shaman circle, and we are doing soul collage. Check it out online- www.soulcollage.com. Fabulously fun creating your own tarot deck via collage using photographs in magazines. So much is captured when we focus on feeling, and the cards (in my case) make themselves. My guts kinda shake or i wanna cry with so much joy or sadness when i view them. Then we witness the voice of the card. Next time we gather we will do some readings! Take a look.

My mom was in the hospital week before Imbolc, so i flew out to see her just as mercury went retrograde. Missed work, spent my savings, used up all my PTO, jacked up my almost paid off credit card. Missed the baggage check in, got searched in security and detained had several valuable tinctures confiscated as well as some rice pudding (it's a gel-like substance), and missed my flight. Was not fun, sat in the hospital for 2 days waiting for discharge with my mom. It was hard keeping the woodstove going, preparing meals. I couldn't sleep in that house. Despite it all, sister was in her 4th sememster of nursing school and just started clinicals, so I am glad to have been able to "help." Though we had words, and it's all out in the open, not sure anything will change.

Prior to that I hosted a Mayan Ceremony and had a huge loss of faith, smacked in the face with my cult background. Am still not all together. Found out that my great-uncle died 2 days ago, and that yes, in fact he was in Auchwitz with my grandfather. Have been wondering for a long while about myself, and have been spending some time looking into that dark mirror. Coming to grips.

Found out that a friend's step-mom died of radiation burns to her lungs after a battle with colon cancer that metz'd to her lungs. The spirits said the cancer won't take her. In addition, a really good friend's partner is battling bone cancer metz. Now another friend is going through chemo for lung cancer. This is so hard to witness and stay in the love, I'm afraid for them. Being a nurse- I've been around sick people my whole life- thinking about maybe taking some art classes to just decompress.

Saw a bit of the lunar eclipse the other night with a friend and her sweetie-pie 4 year old. Wonder what else is on the horizon?

For some time now, I have wondered if the "Wiccan" community in the local metro area is a good fit for me. After attending several local events, I noticed a shrill and uncomfortable vibe. This last time was the winter solstice sunrise, which I love, to drum up the sun with a couple hundred others. I took several lovely pictures of the sunrise with fresh snow on the foothills, and in so doing apparently offended several elders that did not want their photos taken. They become rather unpleasant & irate, not quite shouting yet not really "cool." Obviously, I was not taking photos of people, so I apologized and promised to delete any photo that had them in it and did so.

I learned several lessons from this, including "accept your lessons as blessings and your enemies as angels" (not that they were my enemies at all); you can't please everyone especially those itching for a fight; and just because they are pagan does not make them evolved. Kinda felt schmeared after that experience, so a nice hot shower with a salt scrub cleaned me off. What made me feel so much better was that I really examined my heart and motives whether I wanted to capture them on film... and the answer is no.

My response to their anger, was to apologize sincerely and kinda laugh about it, I didn't want my solstice ruined by some negative people that I didn't even know. My plans were to spend the day with friends, go to breakfast and visit. It makes me wonder what's the deal?

Prior to that experience I encountered some interesting folk that- um- basically I excused myself after 5 minutes of attempted conversation. I like to be grounded and centered with kindness & an open heart to receive the teachings. And I THINK I am pretty easy to talk to and am genuinely interested in people. Not sure I want to join in their reindeer games though! I'm no BFW and not interesting in being an HPS with a bunch of acolytes. I like us all to be participatory and on the same field of play. For my light to shine activating others to shine also in their wisdom, divinity, strength, beauty, and vulnerability. And sometimes all that ain't so pretty or comfortable, and that's OK with me. That willingness for self examination & vulnerability makes you a person of power in my book. Honorable, with integrity to look into the dark mirror and still love oneself, as god/dess/spirit 'loves' us.

Maybe it's time for me to co-create my own rituals with some like minded folk closer to home. In perfect love and perfect trust means something to me. Funny- the last ritual I went to shortly after Samhain, in their opening introduction it was said you can't always have perfect love & trust... honestly it was a great ritual with many shamanic elements including dismemberment, there just were some elements of drama that were kinda unneccessary.

So I'm wondering-any thoughts? I love my teachers that I am committed to, and see lots of teachers even in the mundane. Am I being too judgemental or something? Would appreciate some insight.

On this night, I dedicate my dreams to my ancestors and beloved dead that they may share messages.  Ginger squash soup, roast pork and lemon cake served with tea and wine, so they may feast with drumming and song.  I honor them as they live within me, they are part of me, with grateful thanks for their wisdom and sacrifice. I bless them as they transform and return to the lap of the god/dess/creator/great recycler.

For all the lost wandering souls, I remind you of the tiny seed of light within your heart.  Focus and breathe into it.  Watch it expand and grow, and carry you to your destination with love and compassion.  For you are loved and divine... 

Whoops! Just lost my entire post while uploading photos, so let's try this again.

Cut off all my hair three weeks ago, sold my car a few days later, bought a bike and a friend gave me a helmet. Three days past a meeting with some shaman friends, we worked on fears and how to move past our own barriers to realize our fullest potential. Sitting, drumming, encouraging, witnessing anothers' process honors us all, the power of those womyn still amazes and transforms me... we burned much copal that evening.

Went to a witchy retreat in the woods, attended a Depossession training with Betsy Bergstrom, then went away to my favorite pagan festival. Rituals, sang & drummed everyday. To gather in community with a thousand other like minded folk in circle fills me up. It is the high point of my year. So this year, instead of doing medical, I signed up for kitchen duty to make breakfast for a few hundred witches in the woods. Got up at 5 am, watching the beautiful dawn, gave herbal offerings and said some prayers at the lakeside and thanked the spirits.

And you WILL BELIEVE WHAT I FELT! Take a look, the spirit world is real and is alive all around us. I capture orbs often on my digital camera... should see the pics of my new place, every room practically has these shining orbs.  Needless to say, it's good energy...